life choices, lament and letting go

Spring is always a time for me to look back and reflect on my life, also a time to seek out how I can grow as an individual.  This year I have a lot to reflect on and ponder as I am getting back into my own element after time off traveling.  I sometimes feel alone in my thought process and get lost in my self-induced isolation that came after my trip.  I get caught in a cycle of wondering if I made the right choices in life.  Stay with me now, I am gonna delve deep here and expose a bloody aching soul that has been weighed down with silence and artificial smiles.

I have been wondering about how life choices shape our perspective and also how they shape how people see us.  No one is perfect but I find myself looking at people’s lives and thinking, what if I would have chosen that path…  It of course is of no use as I look to other people to seek personal happiness but I am plagued by it and ask where it comes from.  I then remember is like body image.  We look and see what is acceptable and want to emulate that because we may see it as readily acceptable.  In the past I have faced a passive aggressive tone from some family members and friends who see my non-conformist lifestyle and see my dreams of travel or my lack of desire to have children as bizarre and unrelateable.  Which leads me to further shrink away from reaching out when I need them most.  It also leads to a lament for a life I didn’t necessarily want to begin with. I fear being seen as unambitious.  The thing is that I put a great deal into my education, career (which didn’t work out as I wished, due to outside forces) and my constant desire to be a better individual in this world.  Yet I still think about what others have that I don’t and wonder how this makes me less than.  It is like the American Dream is not within my DNA…therefore I feel I lack something that makes me more relate-able.

Lament is a hell of a thing.  People say, regret nothing but it is hard in practice even if it is easy in theory.  I am sure I am not alone in this cycle of life.  So I take my spring to look at the last year, what I did, where I want to go and what it will take to get there.  Goal setting like chocolate crazed child, making lists and dreaming and scheming.  It is when I get to this stage of everything that I find it helpful to remember that what I have been through, seen and done doesn’t define me, how I come out of it and what I do next is what counts.  Letting go can be hard but it is definitely necessary to move on.  What people may think of me and my boho style life should not come between me and my over the top dreams.  I came this far and I have had so many amazing people to thank for believing in me.  I hope you dear reader, find that inner spring cleaning OCD freak and sweep out that lament too.  Put the past in the past and look forward to the future, untainted by the what could have been that lingers in the corners of the mind.  What could have been didn’t happen for some reason, maybe for the best, maybe from a mistake…whatever the reason look forward to the sunrise of a new day and the sunset on the passing of what was. Your future is not yet written nor is it dictated by the past.

Go Forth, Be Kind.

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